Disclaimer: I have only been married for one year, and in partnership for six. I’m not a “relationship expert”, but am passionate about loving and learning through all relationships. Romantic ones are powerful–they have the potential to hurt us and to heal us in life-changing ways. Society doesn’t teach us much about how to do them. In this series, I will share my own experience of “what works” in loving relationships.
Pour On Love
Last Saturday I attended a concert by Tuck and Patti at Sunrise Ranch Retreat Center. I have been listening to this vocal jazz duo since I was very young and it was amazing to see them live. They have been performing for 33 years together, married for 30. Here is a video of them performing “You Take My Breath Away”:
In addition to having very impressive musical talent, these two obviously love one another deeply. It is part of what melts audiences’ hearts. After they were done with one of their love songs, I wanted to kiss Victor all over his face, his eyelids, his hands (I settled for a kiss on the cheek, don’t worry).
As I watched, I thought “Wow, they are just pouring out love to each other”. Saturating the other person in love. That is what the human heart truly craves. To be drenched in the stuff. Sometimes our wounds make it pretty tough for us to admit to that, or ask for it. Especially when our wounds have to do with having loved and lost. There are so many reasons why we don’t pour out love, or why we fight someone pouring love out to us. Build a foundation in your relationship where none of that stands a chance against the intensity of your love for each other.
Don’t Withdraw Your Love
I have witnessed myself and others pull away when things get tough; we emotionally vacate the premises. Marriage is difficult. Sometimes when things don’t seem like they should be, I am tempted to withdraw my lovingness. I think somehow that that will help. My husband will miss that love and will change. This is hard to admit! But I’m thinking that I am not the only one who approaches things that way. But it doesn’t work. Because our partners have a much better chance of making any changes that they need to make (not just ones we think they should make) with our loving support.
I do believe that our love isn’t always a soft and sweet thing. Sometimes it comes with a lot of pressure. Sometimes loving support looks like being fierce about keeping agreements, for instance.
Pour on Love in a way that Invites Transformation.
Tuck and Patti have obviously grown together in their three decades together. Their music and their relationship wouldn’t be as evolved if they were just “doting” and “sweet”. It has power. When I am fully “in” my marriage and we are saturated in love, I feel like we can create whatever we want, handle whatever comes our way.
I think I will be spending my life exploring that statement I just wrote above. How do I love in a way that invites transformation, now? How do I do it now? How about now?
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I am a coach, facilitator and program director in Denver, Colorado. I bring a high-performance mindset from 18 years leading in global corporations, startups, non-profits and Higher Ed. I’ve also honed skills in emotional intelligence and practical spirituality through training with ICF, Shadow Work®, Insights Discovery and motherhood. If you’re ready to do powerful inner work, and also get tangible results in your external environment, please follow my blog and reach out to talk about coaching!
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I’m by no means an expert myself — but I can say after three years of marriage and almost ten (!!!) of partnership, the biggest thing for us has been making an effort to grow together.
Everyone grows in their life journey. I think one of the many tricks of marriage is to ensure you are growing together instead of apart. And that means talking about things like dreams, goals, ambitions, dissatisfaction and more with your partner. He might not always be directly involved in my growth efforts, but he understands why I want to be doing what I’m doing, and he supports it. For me, that is what love and transformation have to do with one another.