Do you have someone in your life who is constantly complaining that they are not supported enough, and that, more precisely, you do not support them enough? Well I do. I spent years trying to do the “right things” so that they would know that I loved them and supported them enough. I thought sometimes there must be something wrong with me that I couldn’t love them enough for them to feel loved. This pattern started carrying over into how I set standards for other relationships: “If you don’t act this way, or make me feel this way, you aren’t loving me enough”. That got me nowhere.
I don’t give in to that way of thinking anymore, and here’s why:
1. No one can make you feel supported and loved:
“But”, you say “that’s exactly what my partner is supposed to do!” I would agree that partnerships should be mutually supportive and loving for both people. But no one can MAKE any one else feel anything. A man might be trying his best to show understanding for his girlfriend, but if she has past wounds that are keeping her from receiving that understanding, there is no way for him to make her feel understood. She needs to love herself before any she feels any positive word with an “ed” at the end of it. We each need to support and love ourselves. That is our responsibility. That is the best foundation for relationship with someone else.
2. You are supported and loved to the extent that you support and love:
Relationships must be reciprocal if they are going to work well. But beyond that, what you put out into the universe comes back to you. By that I don’t mean let’s all be nice so we can get bunches of cool stuff next week. I mean the basic principle that your outlook and behavior on life shapes your experience of your life. And that Life does provide, if we are available.
3. I’ve got enough of my own issues without taking on other peoples as my own:
That’s about all I have to say about that.
4. I know powerful tools to help myself and others recognize these truths:
There’s no reason to live in a state of “I don’t love enough, I’m not loved enough”. I’m going to work with whoever wants to take responsibility for themselves, and I’m not going to let myself feel shamed by people who don’t. There are so many wonderful relationships to be had with people, based on mutual support and love.
So I encourage you to develop a true love and support for yourself–your talents, your ideosyncrocies, your mistakes. All of you. And invite others in your life to love and support you in their own way. Learn to ask for what you want, what would help you do what you came here to do. Do all this at the same time as you provide love and support for people in your world, and actually, the whole world as a whole could use it too. This isn’t a linear process; all we give and receive is flowing in a…well, a Circle of Life…for real. I LOVE, I AM LOVED, I AM LOVE.
Sign up for Helena's Blog
I am a coach, facilitator and program director in Denver, Colorado. I bring a high-performance mindset from 18 years leading in global corporations, startups, non-profits and Higher Ed. I’ve also honed skills in emotional intelligence and practical spirituality through training with ICF, Shadow Work®, Insights Discovery and motherhood. If you’re ready to do powerful inner work, and also get tangible results in your external environment, please follow my blog and reach out to talk about coaching!